It started with a tampon.

Belgrade Lakes, ME

Or, maybe it was before that when I signed up for swim classes, which later led to the reason I even had to consider a tampon. Either way, something changed, and I had the best experience of stepping on the other side of fear and finding that it wasn't all that bad. It's actually thrilling.

The swim classes that is. Not the tampon. The tampon was quite weird and rather anti-climatic - but convenient. And I didn't die from toxic shock which is great (that's for another post!).

Swimming, though, has been incredible fun. Two classes down, six more to go and I have felt so light and free. As a child I loved going to pools and was completely comfortable with the fact that I couldn't swim in them. That never stopped me from doing all types of other things like jumping in, doing handstands, and doing what I could swimming underwater - all while staying in the shallow end.

But somewhere along the way, that carefree part of me got drowned out and replaced by a new expectation that I had to be a specific way when in water and until I could be that way, the water was not for me. I'm amazed at how much I've developed an identity around an irrational fear. "Oh, I don't do beach water. It's just not me. I just like to lay on the sand and read a book." "Oh I don't like pools, too many people and people urinate in them."

None of these silly disclaimers addressed a deeper concern that I had about being in the water and not being able to swim in it. Yet, I wouldn't go for a class to learn. Somehow, I was supposed to teach myself a skill that I had no idea how to do.

Just straight nonsense, right?

Thankfully, a weekend retreat helped me push past my thoughts and take a leap of faith. A literal leap right into Pond Lake. I was wearing a life vest and clenching a noodle, of course, but no one could tell me I wasn't Simone Manuel. I had conquered something SO big within myself.

Long Pond - Belgrade, ME

Did I say conquered? You're probably wondering what's the big deal when you have a life vest AND a noodle?

It's funny how fear works, right? It doesn't have to be rational or logical to be influential. Your safety can be guaranteed. Your success can be practically wrapped around you. But none of it matters if you don't trust it internally. Nothing matters when we don't believe in it ourselves. I sat on that dock, watching all those spiders skate across the surface and was flooded with a million reasons not to jump in.

"You're going to get bugs in your hair..."

"Don't be a follower..."

"You don't even have the right swim clothes on..."

But there was also a part of me that was not leaving Maine without getting in that lake. Somewhere between the "Don't be stupid!" and the "Don't be that fool that drowns knowing they can't swim", I went for it.

And something internal shifted.

I've been working with all my might ever since to keep jumping in. Maybe it was my pride that didn't like being clowned for not knowing how to swim or maybe I finally let my faith be stronger than my fears. Whatever it was, it was enough for me to sign up for swim classes with the hope of being able to jump into that lake without supports next time. It's a tall order, but I'm up for it. It's been helpful to remind myself constantly of what I now know to be true in the water and in life:

Go for it. Your safety is secured. Your success is guaranteed. Just jump in.

 What are you waiting for?